I Find Myself Here Again.

Most people with BPD are classed as having the same main symptom, fear of abandonment, frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, driving people away because of those frantic efforts.

I have learnt over the past few years I am not one of those people, I am not scared of abandonment, I accept it as inevitable. I do not show frantic efforts to keep people close to me, I do not fight to have relationships and most of all I do not expect anyone to stay. But I do go to frantic efforts to keep people from getting close to me, I take pride in knowing that no single person knows everything about me. I let people walk in and out of my life as they please knowing they never knew me and I never invested in my relationship with them. I see being alone as a victory, that I have won at preserving myself.

There are 3 exceptions to this that I view as the people that know me the most but I’ve kept a healthy relationship with. My mum and my 2 best friends. I don’t have to try and keep them in my life, they are there for the long haul, we have smooth relationships and when I am with them I don’t feel my BPD panic tearing me down thought by thought.

The problems come with the other exceptions. I do not always have an FP (What is an FP?) like some do but I have had them in the past, and I have one now.

It always starts the same way, someone listens to me and they start to understand the way I do things and why I do them.

Then they spend more time with me and when they ask me questions I don’t make things up, I give honest answers.

Next, they start to ask me how I am and text me when we’re not face to face.

I start to crave there attention, my emotions are invested in them. Who I am is invested in them.

Then I really start to need them. I need communication with them, I need to know that if I was willing too (which I never am) they would listen to everything that happens or has happened to me and they would be OK with it.

They tell me they love me and are here for me, I tell them I love them too, always in a platonic way.

I miss them when they are not around, even if that’s only been a couple of hours, then I try to find out when they will next be around.

I need them even more.

Then something happens, we don’t talk as much, they leave (or I leave first to make sure they can’t leave me), not because they did anything wrong, or because they know how I’ve become but because life happens. I don’t fight this part like most people would, I don’t fight to make them stay, I don’t use those frantic efforts, I don’t try and get there attention again. I let them leave.

Then I promise myself this was the last time, I put rules in place for myself in relationships to avoid it. To make sure no one knows me enough, or I don’t know them enough to like them.

I put everything i can into not letting it happen, I try so hard.

Then suddenly, without noticing, I find myself here again, missing my latest absent FP, not scared of abandonment just saddened by it. I find myself here again, now, sad, wondering how long it will take me to get over this one, how long it will be painful, how long it will be between the pain stopping and the cycle starting again. Last time it was a 18 months and that is the quickest I’ve ever had a new FP, I desperately hope it will be longer this time, because the end of an FP is almost the end of me.