Why My Undercover Brain?

So, first post, I guess I should explain why I chose my domain name.

Tonight I watched a film. The film was great, in fact I may end up doing a review later in the day, but thats not for now. What wasn’t great for me was a scene where a character was in a psychiatric inpatient ward (I should also add that I’m a little fragile right now and thats probably why my brain sent me along this thought train).

As I watched my screen turn to a girl being strapped to a bed and injected with a sedative, then again transform to the same girl meeting new people in a community room of a hospital and take part in group therapy, I wasn’t met with my normal feelings.

I wasn’t met with a ‘thank god thats not me anymore’ or a ‘I can’t believe that happened to me before’. I was met with ‘I miss inpatient care’. I can honestly say that is something I never felt before. Then I googled, and it seems a lot of people have said the same thing.

That led me to thinking about my everyday life. I have a job, in fact I have a job I love. I can work stupid hours and function every day. I went to a new doctors last week and he commented that if I hadn’t told him, he would never had guessed mental health was my ailment.

Yet, within all that, theres a part of me undercover. Theres a part of me that hates waking up every morning. A part of me that hates that people don’t know my struggle. A part of me that hates that no one around me quite understands what I have to battle through on a day to day basis just to stay alive.

I am undercover in my illness and my relapses and my recovery and my experiences.

Thats what this blog is about.

2 thoughts on “Why My Undercover Brain?

  1. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been through in life but I can feel the pain in your words. Some days will be harder than others, but just know you’re doing great ❤


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